leaving the past behind part 3

When i was 18 i babysat for a while i think 1 or 2 years!!i had just lost  2 jobs in a matter or a month and  that  august  broke up with my boyfriend. as well my  grandpa  ended up dying that November  it seemed  once again my world was falling i  never got to say  good bye to grandpa.
      when i was 19  i started to play yahoo pool and meet all these Internet guys. there was 1 guy  Ed  that  i took a  liking to.  i thought he was only the  greatest guy  ever. i mean i  still didn't  let him in right away. i  honestly didn't  know how to let anyone in. my relationship with God was getting alot better.  I was praying more reading the bible more.i  started to volunteer  as a teacher assistant for  developmentally challenged  people. i did  that for half a year then decided to try going for  school to be a  teacher assistant.  i only made it  half way through i found it  too hard. doing 2 years of  school  in 1 year  i didn't take it  seriously enough.so i gave up! i learned however sometimes  you have to  move backwards to go forwards.when i was 20 i started  going to a  young woman's  prayer group. my leader Donna taught us so much. i was forced out of my comfort zone there.
 i was  also  going to youth  regularly in this  time my brother Aaron was in Seattle Washington. its  then i started to  break out of my bubble at crossroads .i used to act funny cause it was my way of  hiding my insecurities.  Tara Dettman  then  called me out and told me she saw right through me. she said elz" you need to just be yourself. you don't  have to pretend  anymore. people like you the real you just as you are." now I'd  be lying to you if  i told you  hearing that was easy cause it wasn't. but it was exactly what i needed to hear. it was the truth.  anyways Tara and i would  get together and talk about life off and on for a few years. i can't remember just how long!!!Tara reached out for rescue. she taught me so much and now I can teach other's.you see  the things we go through  help us  grow up even the  times when we are hurting the most there is always hope within arms reach!!

leaving the past behind part 2

     going  into high school  my first day of high school i remember i was sick  from being so nervous i was  still teased  but  i tolerated it.  i was still so insecure i had this  weird  mumbling  whisper thing i did. i know it sounds  funny right.  but i honestly didn't think that i had a voice worth speaking to anyone. i  masked alot of hurt and pain inside started  to suffer depression and got more and more angry  i  kept  getting into  fights  with mom.  i  felt life was a constant battle ground. i  never really learned  like others  so i felt stupid  compared to everyone.  i never saw anything in myself.  at the age of 15 i had my first  real boyfriend.  after a month or 2 i broke up with him that was hard  but i knew that we couldn't be together.no point  holding onto something that needs to be let go of. i had a few other boyfriends after that nothing that really lasted.in that  time  i had caused  so much  strife in the family that  dad got angry 1 night he slapped me  across the face and told he  how  he was   so close  to leaving the family because i made his life a living hell. truth be told i was searching for love and  wanted to feel secure in a relationship so i would settle  for guys who didn't really mean anything. i know how selfish that must sound. OK again in grade  10  i was sexually assaulted at school i felt  like the  scum of the earth  i  got  really discouraged  and  felt ashamed and  violated. i couldn't  understand why this was happening to me as you can imagine i blamed god and thought he must have stopped loving me for sure.I  became so angry and  no one  understood why.  i felt  so abandoned and forgotten about.i sunk into a depression deeper then before.  I began to eat away my hurt.nothing i did  seemed ever good enough i was completely lonely lost and  broken and afraid of trusting anyone enough.I  was at the lowest point ever.  even then i had the courage to say no to sex, drugs, alcohol and smoking  for  i knew that I had a little  sister and i had to lead  an example for her and others.
then i switched churches to crossroads community church where i met some very instrumental people in my life. to this day it was Kayla McLaughlin, Vance and Julie dettman that kept me coming back. I was the inconvenienced younger sister at the time to my brother.  Aaron didn't want  rach or i to be there. i just knew i had to leave my parents church i was tired of  feeling so lonely  and insecure. tired of being the reject everywhere i went. in high school it became easy to mask even in crossroads at first probably for the  first 2 or 3 years i still felt  like an outsider. 
   it was hard to get out of my shell. being i had hid from everyone.I buried myself deep and closed the door to people it was my defense mechanism.  I had the  hardest  time letting anyone in so i wouldn't get hurt again. when i finally  let someone  close enough i pushed them away.
    

lady in waiting love happens

     

     The other  night i had a dream that I  got  married  to a prince. In my dream he loved someone else but something happened so he was forced to marry by the  age of 30. there was a contest  through out i ended up winning  but before we got married i asked to speak with him for a few minutes.i said " I know that i am a  stranger and that you are in love with another girl.  that your  heart  doesn't  belong to me. out of  respect and honor to you.I  don't  want to you regret this  biggest  decision of your life.you don't  have to marry  me i would  find the one  your heart belongs to. and hope we could at least stay friends through all of this.  and if you do choose me i hope  that we can learn to love in time."

     We ended up getting  married. after we said our vows . He had to  go hunting you  see it was a wedding tradition.after you get married you must  go hunting for  5-8 game and each animal you kill it represents love, strength, nobility, honor,courage, peace,wisdom and bravery.

    while he was hunting i went to visit my mom and younger  brother. now  to describe my mother she was very dependent she  couldn't live without having a boyfriend or a man in her life.  she never picked very good guys  just the first  guy who would give her the time and  day and would sweet talk her.  well the  guy she was with at the moment  was a dirt bag. he wanted to get to me and so he tried  to do sexual things  with me and  i  fought back and  said " GET OUT OF  THIS HOUSE RIGHT NOW, YOU HAVE NO BUSINESS HERE WITH ME MY BROTHER OR  MOM." just then mom walked in and started freaking out  cause I wouldn't stand for this dirt  bag. he  went out fuming  cause i wouldn't let him touch me. this whole time there was a reporter taking pictures  of my  moms boyfriend trying to do sexual things with me. turns out he was hired to make me look bad cause  moms boyfriend hired him to  follow me  so it would  ruin my marriage to the  prince.  in the  following  days i was out just playing sports and visiting my friends. my  best friend was a guy so again the reporter tried to make it look bad. as i realized what was going on it was too late  for the press had already  seen what was happening and assumed they knew the real story. 

    that night when my prince/husband got back i  decided to trust him with the  truth about  what had  happened only days  before. i told him he could trust me  and  that i wanted him to know  the  truth  first hand, i knew that being  we didn't  know each other that well yet being we hadn't spent much time together that i had better trust someone with the truth.  he told me not  to worry for  he would look into things and take  care of everything for me. thank you i replied softly.

     you see my character was strong, bold, independent, spunky, I wouldn't let anyone talk me out my place. I  knew who I was and where I stood. some would say brave, courageous yet very soft spoken and  a heart of love for people. I  knew that the prince and i had a long way to go but  i felt  safe in his  presence. I knew I wouldn't have to worry anymore. that love comes softly. as well sometimes you find love in the most unexpected places. in the end  we grew  to love each other very deeply.

      This dream  makes me think of the Story of Esther.  there is a movie and it's one of my most favorites called "one night with the king". in the real I couldn't imagine loving someone that i know  doesn't love me whose heart belongs to someone else.  in time you learn to love. 

     today where you are at maybe you are the young woman who can't live  without a guy in your life and it's too hard to wait. to hard to really let  someone  love the  real sides of you, cause you are to busy looking for the next fling. young woman you are setting yourself up for danger!! would you not rather wait and fall in love for real not just another  guy to fill in the missing pieces to your heart. I know the loneliness  aspect. you are reaching out for  rescue but you are  to afraid to really let a man of god or good character love you.in this moment in this hour maybe you need to  reach out  and let  someone  love you.  I know it's so easy to bury yourself then reveal yourself. for you young  woman maybe it's time to let someone in.  its  time to trust someone enough, maybe its time to let  someone love you enough. why not god he  won't ever let you go.

       think about what real love is. in my dream when i first spoke to the prince before we got married. i told him he didn't have to go through with marrying me cause i knew  he didn't love me and his heart  didn't belong to me. that's a part of  selfless love. willing to sacrifice  your heart and emotions for the sake of someone else. it shows that  you respect the man. 

     what kind  of love you want today? the kind of love that lasts. or the  kind of love that leads to heartache?

elz 

   

leave the past behind part 1

dear reader,
  they say your most powerful story is your own. this also at times the hardest story for you have to get down to the  good bad and ugly.
  my story begins the day i was born. November 29.  it was 3 am in orangeville hospital  yay i was born lol!!!
when i was young i had some not so good things happen to me and someone close to me. i was comfortable  living in orangeville i learned how to ride my tricycle it was red . i learned to ride my first bike at singing  waters where my Grandparents were the directors or worked there. there's a part of me that will always have a heart for orangeville. anyways when i was 3.5 years old we moved to a small house in kurtzville where we lived  for i think 2 years. in that time my sister got real sick with asthma and almost died so my older brother and i stayed at different people's homes. i spent alot of time with the Longmans and Bert and Ruly Donkergoed. i think they without realizing it have helped set me up to who i am today!! I went to  kindergarten and  2 weeks of  grade 1 i remember i always tagged around my brother and his like 3 or 4 best friends. every day i was at school my brother's friend  jesse would wait for me and we would  run the fence line together and chat. it was nice to have an older guy look out for me even though i was pretty young.We then moved to the race course side road or Atwood area for those who have no idea where that is!! we  switched schools and started going to Elma township. it was good  when i first started public school i was included by the girls but then slowly the new girl phase wore off and i faded  into the  reject  phase.  i ended up failing  grade 1 because i couldn't read. again i was set back from kids my age. i didn't really fit in with anyone in fact i was always the attitude child  if something was wrong id  tell you. when i was in grade 3 i had a grade 1 student  literally choking and strangling me with my own scarf and my little sister rachel saw this she jumped on him and started pounding him. rachel and i have this bond even when we don't  always see eye toy eye. we love each other. I was teased a lot and  began to get discouraged  it got so bad that in grade 6 i was home schooled. this same year november 27, 1997 my mom had gone to pick up my dad from work it was about  3 am they ended up losing control of the van.dad was able to get help but mom was unconscious she smashed her head through the window. i got  really angry at mom for that actually i started to hate and resent my mom. even from far back i think from the damage from being teased and sexually assaulted at a very young age and never being able to come to terms with it i think i in a way blamed my mom for not protecting me for not being there. anyways in grade 7 i went back to Elma township public school. and the teasing got even worse kids would start to tell me they would party if i was dead. and i got  knocked down and bullied. i never felt like i was worth anything at all.  i sunk into a  even smaller box. i kept  journals but even that helped only a little. growing up i was always  stubborn  head strong and very strong personality.  i think i pushed  people away because i was so insecure and it was easier to bury myself them to reveal  who i really was.at that age it's  already a journey  trying to discover who you are and where you fit. led alone being teased. I was young girl crying and dying inside. I  thought  about  suicide i thought maybe  the world would be a better place with me not here. i  had Jesus in my heart but  even  at church  i  hated  it  so much. i remember as soon as church was over i would run to the vehicle and cry. i was such a hurting girl living a lonely world. when i was 8 i experienced  my first  really tragic death in my family. my uncle  david  was killed at work.  he  was only 21 at the time i believe. he had a tractor  roll on top of him.

Desperate times calls for desperate Prayers

Dear readers,

   

     Have you ever been in times where you needed help, you were desperate and didn't know how to ask for help.  did you know that Matthew 7: 7-8 says  Ask and it will be given to you Seek and you shall find Knock and the doors  shall be open to you.  verse 8 goes on to say Ask and Keep on Asking, Seek and Keep on Seeking, Knock and Keep on Knocking.  

    

     Let's get real for a moment shall we!!!! how many times  do you think about asking for help when you are going through tough times. I know I will be the first to admit that I often think that I can do it all  by myself I like to think that i have it all together.  Yeah Right!  to tell you the truth  i actually i  kind of have a little moment of panic come over me like oh  no what  will happen in this situation!! 

  

     Rachel my sister  has a car and  the  gas tank doesn't work  so you never know how much gas is actually in her car. i think she's  run out of  gas like 4 times now and  each time the  story is different, in the winter  we got to an arena in Drayton  and had to push it down a steep hill into the feed mill  gas station.  last week it was like midnight so you couldn't  just  push cause  it wasn't  safe  so we had to wait for help. 

so  when you are in need what do you do? do you have a plan  or  do you just wing it and get frustrated all the while trying to act all cool about the circumstances?

    Most people are to afraid to ask for help in times of crisis! how often do we leave God on the back burner? we are humans and think we have it all together. we have a mindset that we  don't  need help.  but we do.  sometimes  you have to lose all to see that you need help. 

   

   Believe it or not  when you ask for help you are acknowledging that you are weak but in our  greatest moment of weakness that's  when God gives us  strength. We allow God to be God. We often blame God for everything that goes wrong with us. but here's the thing  when do  we stop to ask God for directions in our life? why do we leave God in the background? I am guilty as much as anyone. it comes down to a little thing called trust......

  

  Trust you may ask what does this have to do with anything what does this have to do with desperate times...

It has everything to do with desperate times. you see we TRUST that someone will come to our aide when we are stuck. here's the thing with trust. Alot of people struggle to ask for help.  we think that we have things under control.  here's the thing  people will help you if you ask!

dreams they can come true

      All your  life  you live with this fairy tale going off in your head  we have the  princesses and the fairy tale princes.  i mean what girl doesn't want to be there own princess. as young girls  we grow  up planning and  pretending.  we plan up till our wedding and then  we don't think about the happily ever after......

Dare to dream with me for a moment??

      imagine yourself  this most beautiful bride as you put on the most simple yet eloquent wedding dress maybe your  dress will have beautiful gems that sparkle your personality and your hair all up in a sweet arrangement of  curls, maybe you wear your hair  to the  side. OK  so you spend a lifetime for this moment waiting, praying and preparing. anyone one who plans a wedding knows that you can't put it together in just one night all the planning and small details.  anyways your day arrives all the last minute details all of a sudden your wedding song comes on. maybe you want a  traditional wedding so the wedding march is playing or you want to dance up the aisle like the you tube video, anyways as you walk in all eyes fixed on you as you meet gaze with your groom (my most favorite part of weddings is the look on the grooms face when he sees his bride coming down the aisle,all the love and strength and passion in his eyes).

   I had a dream once about  2 couples  Justin and Kara  and Tyler and Libby.  Justin and Kara  very much in love he  was a true gentlemen and  always waited patiently for Kara. they God married and were used  so mightily in the ministry.  then Tyler and Libby.  they got married as well but as soon as Tyler  found out that Libby was pregnant he left her for his music. Libby was  broken and  had a son she loved her son very much she went to church and raised there son in the church she still loved  Tyler and prayed for him always. one day Justin met Tyler at a  coffee shop and decided  to talk to him in all of  Tyler's  brokenness he began to break down as he  told  Justin of how he had a son and left a wife. turns out he was to afraid to commit and he ran instead of endured. anyways Tyler  became a christian and ended up  reconciling with Libby. and they  came back together.

 let's break it down for you! when you wait for Gods  perfect timing you find everlasting love when you rush into a relationship on selfish pretense you find temporal love. you spend  so much time trying to work on a relationship that is broken and full of hurt and years of hurt.

  maybe you are in a broken relationship and you are too afraid to admit. maybe you are marriage obsessed and you are missing out on the greater picture GOD! you are too busy  wanting someone to love you, someone to find you and search you out. you miss that god is the one  who has been a real gentlemen this whole time. you don't know that  you are worth the wait. you are too caught up in relationship after relationship. you are trying to fill in this void that boys  seem to fill only  so temporal. your life  spiraling out of control and you are struggling to find a way out.you feel so alone and ashamed maybe the past has taken it's toll on your  once delicate heart.


   young woman where ever you are! don't be afraid. don't give up you are worth it you are valuable beyond words. I know maybe you have been abused verbally physically etc. and you feel as though you have nothing left to offer. nothing  left. you see  this is called an emotional love tank maybe you are empty and  need to know that it's  going to be alright. i don't know what you are going through but i do know that others out there are going through similar and maybe  you  need  the  strength to stand though you feel weak.you can rise up with poise and stamina.  a woman of  courage a woman of great character. did you know that it only takes 1 person brave enough to stand  to lead  other's out of there circumstances. will you be that 1 person to stand and  rise above your circumstances today. it's going to be hard but it's so very worth it. prepare yourself for a hero will come to your rescue in loves time.


  young man where ever you are make sure that you fight to win a girl's heart. rise up in intregrity and honor   offer strength through prayers through simplicity. don't give up on us  we need you to  love us regardless of how difficult we can be at times. we as woman need to know that you are with us no matter what!!!you do have what it takes to our  hero. take heed  there will be a girl worth fighting for you will know when the occasion arises. a young woman that shall capture you when the time comes. what are you doing to prepare your self young men? I dare you to dream and I dare you to wait patiently.

beauty and the broken part 1

dear reader,

how many times have you felt lost lonely and full of fear!! there are many kinds of fears and worries. but they all come down to one thing.bet you are thinking about how much God loves you and your devotional life is the pits.......

   I can't pretend that i have it all together. cause I don't. just the other day i was at a family function and for the first time i seen something. you can see someone but not know them. i saw my one cousin sitting on her own and it was this realization that no matter how young or old we are. we have insecurities and self doubts am i really worth it? am i to fat? will anyone ever see right through our masks? we have become a  society of hidden faces hidden behind fears, insecurities and self condemnation. who are we?? we are this generation! "there can never be a more beautiful you". anyways going back to my cousin in the moment i saw the hurt in her eyes  and realized cause of fear and insecurities and we all have them trust me!!!even the most beautiful girls and boys too!!!! i know crazy as it is. we are not alone in what we are going through..

   our relationship with god is often put on hold for others. but without God without devotions we  wither like a dying plant. we begin to get weak. we lose all our  strength and capacity.

   young  woman  of god  rise up and take  heart. God  wants you to know that you are beautiful beyond all compare. you are more then worth it oh yes you are.  you are the diamond in the rough. there is a hope there is a reason why you are hurting even though you may not see it.there is beauty in the broken. rise up and be all that gods chose you to be.don't go chasing wildflowers on the way to the fair... meaning... don't get distracted on the path where God is taking you.

   young men of the church get up in strength and guard the hearts of young woman in the church. rise up in faith and take courage. for God is not done with you yet. i know life is a battlefield. don't lose hope. Stand up tall and be the young man God is calling you to be.hold on tightly to Gods promises. hold on tightly to Gods word  for the battles are close at hand within you. when you pray and read Gods word that is the greatest weapon. don't be silent. don't be  to afraid to speak up. for God speaks always even in times of endurance. when you feel like you are falling and you can't get up. speak the simple truth let Gods word  bring peace to those around you.

  OK maybe you are reading this and yet you still don't know how this applies to you. cause your heart has grown cold and you are searching out love searching out something or someone that can reach out to the depths of your heart. you hear people say compliments to you and you are to afraid to believe that you could actually be worth anything. almost all your trust is gone and there's thoughts running  through your mind. today i want you to hear this..... the fears and lies will keep you locked away  behind walls and it becomes next to impossible to let anyone in. 

 I know what it's like to keep everyone  locked out.  you hide behind walls of hurt and pain and insecurities. trying to be someone that you aren't. maybe you are like me at times  and without realizing it you make jokes to hide how you really feel. or  maybe you have a way to hide who you really are.  God only made one  me one you. there is  no one who can ever be you better then you.  next time you compare yourself to someone just think about it. you are the only one that can be you!!! how awesome is that.  all the people on the earth can never be you. 

elz