Tuesday, 31 July 2012

gems

Hey Reader's,

  How are you doing today? there is so many  different  ways to looks at  G.E.M.S  there is a  christian  organisation usually found in the  missionary  churches or maybe  baptists called gems.  i can't  recall what it stands for at the  moment.today  we are going to  write a different  take on gems.
  you  know that for every  month there is a different  gem  stone.  I'm not to  fond of my birth stone  colour.  I  always  wanted the  pretty  one  like  September  march or  December.  where as  topaz  for November to some is very  beautiful to me its  boring! you  will  see here in a moment  just  where i am going  with this.  OK   so every  month has a specific gem. each  unique each planned.  I am a November  baby  holla  at me  November  babies lol.  anyways  its  this  yellowish  topaz  colour to me  i think yuk  what is that colour  but  just now  i realise this,  whether the  colour is nice or not  someone  put alot of effort  into creating this gem, there  was a huge process  into making this  gem.  so really who am i to judge  this  masterpiece. OK so here's  where i am coming with that  yuk  colour. we as humans  have  sin in us   that ugly  colour  is  like our  sin.  but  the  other colours represent  love joy peace patience   kindness meekness. etc. even at our ugliest moments there can be beauty from deep within.
  what gem are you today beautiful purified and refined. or are you the gem in process. being shaped and moulded into who you are.
   you are priceless possession though you don't see yourself as beautiful always there is such beauty inside. maybe you  are just being chiseled and prepared for the most beautiful of all.
 

Elz

transition

Reader's,
   How  are thing's with you?  here is  something i am  walking through transition.  about  2 weeks ago my  sister and I  had a "talk" she  told me she  is  moving out  before I  never took it seriously like  yeah  how many times have you   said  something  and you never  really  took action.  this time i knew  she  meant business. so i went on nanny services.com.  i know alot of people reading this might be  from my  local church crossroads community church. there are  people trying to get me to stay.  but here's the  truth.  I  have always taken care of everyone else and that's  great  but where i am i need to  grow up, I need  to  find  who I am. I have lived for and through others  for  so long that  I don't  know who I am.I'm not one that  adapts to change well. but i am ready  to  stop living in fear of  what if.  all these  fears  lurking  around me i have been living in a bubble of a life. if it's safe then i guess I'll do it.  even when i am  wild and crazy  i plan  it  to a degree.  if i know it's  not safe i  wont  do it. I  want you all to understand  this is not a running away  thing. this is  i need to  know who i am and who God is to me. I need a refreshed  fire for God  not for  others for me. this is a  season,  a place where I need to surrender  and  learn to  really trust God and trust myself,  forgive myself  from secret  sins  from pasts that  have  left me  damaged. I am a prize possession, a woman of God that needs God more then life itself. no matter  where i go where i live God has my back. as he has yours as too. 
  maybe you are where I am and you are fighting through so much that  it weigh's you  down so much. I am here living in it right now.  here's  the thing just talking about it helps. admitting to God to others  hey i  don't have it together you  know  know the answer's you might be  surprised  to know that other' feel the same.

elz

Tuesday, 24 July 2012

No man left behind

Hi, hope  God is blessing you  mightily today. today I want to  write  about  leaving no one  behind.
  I am just siting here in my  chair and i got thinking to myself. if you  saw  a  crippled legging behind in a race or  someone  legging  behind  and you were  at the front of  the  line this was the  race of your life. would you run and get  those people so they  wouldn't  fail. you  may lose the biggest  race. but you  gain victory. you may be asking how can you lose the race but  gain  victory. here's  how you sacrificed your  position  to help out those who didn't have the  strength  to run on there  own. you offered strength  when  there was none. you  reached down and became the  one person to reach  out.
  see  there  is a world out there that just  needs us to be there  Jesus. not  be Jesus  but  Christlike. today  i pray that  as  you read this blog that  God  would place  people upon your heart, whether  you just  pray for them or you  call them up  send them  a message  hey  i am thinking about you today.you never  know when that  could be  the  most pivotal point in there lives.
  i know over  the  past 2 years I've prayed God please just  send someone to  encourage me  or  just  be there.  cause  there has been times i have been  worn out.and just needed  someone  it didn't matter who.  just  someone. will you  be that  someone  today,  will  you  run back  for those that are legging behind  and give them  the  truth, the  love of Christ.
  think about it and let God  place  those specific  people upon the tablets  of your heart. as well as check out psalm 18.
  may  God fill your hearts  with  compassion and love  for other's today.  may  you feel peace like never before. be blessed.



elz

Monday, 23 July 2012

Running on Empty

Dear  Reader

 
what's  up?  So I   was  at home the other  day and all of a sudden i thought about  those   leaders,   young and old  who  are SO busy that they  run themselves empty   then i got thinking about  cars.  so  hopefully  you  can follow my analogy.
 OK  Rachel's old  car  the  Chevy cavalier  was a  death  mobile. the  gas speedometer  didn't  work on it  so you  never  knew how much gas  was in it  other then  when the  smell of gas got really strong. anyways there  was a few times  we  ended up pushing  her  car to a nearest  gas  station. 
    OK so  how  is being empty  like an oil change as well as a  empty  gas tank.  well  think of it like this  we  all need  proper  tools to function when we don't read our bible its like emptying out the  gas  tank eventually there's  going to be  no more  gas  in your  tank.   so we  need to  keep filling ourselves up with the  word  daily.  the oil change is like  the essentials of our life if we don't take care  of ourselves and we keep putting junk in ourselves we  can  run  dry, we become  black like old oil.  
  I  am in a place in life where  i feel so empty,  so dry.  for me it's  cause i don't think about how much God truly  loves me. we  all  have things that  fill us up.  but  what  are you filling yourself up with?  pure  crap  or  pure  rich  stuff.  like worship, positive thinking,  Gods  word.  you can fill in the blanks for yourself. I  know that  we  all have  different  reasons  to why we  feel  empty.this morning almost afternoon  i  keep thinking about  people who are running on  empty.whether its there emotional love tank is  empty.  its like  a car if you don't take time to fill  your  car  up  with   gasoline you  eventually  run on empty. if you  don't  check your oil levels  it  can worse case  scenario blow  your  transmission. cause in cars there  is  2 kinds of  oil  changes, there is  the  normal oil change  which is to be changed every  5000-10,000 kilometres or miles   then there  is a transmission oil change that  should be done every  i think  50-80 thousand kilometres or miles. what happens when you  don't check this is eventually   your transmission  seizes  up kind of like a hard  surface.  same thing happens with people  if they  stop   reading the  bible they run out they run dry and  can become  empty and callous eventually.  now  how do we change the  cycle  back to  the  car analogy  again.  in order to do an oil change you must  first  get out  the  right  tools jack up  or  boost  up your car  then when you are under you   will place a bucket  and loosen up the  thing  where  your oil  comes  out. what happens is it comes through a  filter  you can always  tell when you haven't changed your  oil  on time the  oil is black and almost thicker substance.  anyways   you wait for the  oil  to come out then  when its all out  you  wipe  your area down  now the secret to putting the  new filter  in is take some of the old oil  and   rub it along the top  where  you  twist it on so it will go into place better. then when you make sure there is no  dirt   you  pour  your  new oil in.

Elz
 

clean

    Here's  to  everyone  out there  that is struggling with purity now.  this  is  a subject that   everyone  deals with.  i want to share some of my  story with you. in hopes that  those who read this will be encouraged knowing that where ever you  are where you struggle the  most there is a way  to come clean.
  OK  so last year i lost  a lot of weight  i was the  smallest  i had been in 10 years.  I didn't  know what  it was like to have guys  like me. I totally  sucked in the attention.  i messed up with  a guy. it was just a kiss no harm done right? wrong! that  only lasted about a month or 2.  then  last  June i  met  up with a old guy friend from high school.  he  was  super attractive in my opinion we did  all the things  a  dating couple does. canoeing, playing music  together  writing letters back and forth. we had so many laughs and fun times. as this  friendship  developed i convinced myself that i was going to marry this guy one day he  just  didn't know it yet.  he didn't understand  how determined  i was.  everything  was all good  he was like my best friend. very  honest,  respectable,  even now  hes one of the most honourable guys i know. anyways 2 weeks  before  Christmas  we had a talk and  decided it was time to  break off all ties.  it was an emotional break up.  but  the  damage it  bestowed upon my heart. left me in ruins, i tried to convince everyone i was fine  and there  was days  that i really was. but  other days i just wanted to  crawl in a corner and  hide  myself. i  began  to isolate  myself from  friends and  others. slowly  taking myself out of  service at  church. I was completely broken inside. we had the hugest fight  i think it was  like 3 weeks  later.  it left me even more hurt,  in shackles. it was like this  huge part of me was stripped out.  I tried to contain my hurt  but  there  were nights  i would  cry myself to sleep. then  wake up the  next  day and  where  a smile as if there  was nothing wrong.  in January i decided i was tired of  feeling sorry  for myself. so  I went on christian mingle.com talked to a few guys but nothing much at  first then i met this  guy he ended up being from  Michigan.He came down from  Michigan. i figured he was a christian. so I'd  be safe.  no i was not.  he  was stronger then i  we  ended up fooling around.  that same week  i  messed up with another  guy. none of these  guys meant anything to me i was trying to cover up the pain that  i  felt inside.it was then that i opened the  doors to places for the enemy  to really get a hold of me.  he  has really  lied to me and i am telling you  now  its not fun. the  damage that  comes from  even just  opening the door a crack is not worth it. I am still fighting through  the  damage. just  when I  thought i wouldn't  fall   for  the lies i did.  here's  the  truth i tried to  run from my problems  but  instead got  sucked in further trying to  deny  and  say that i  don't  have  purity  issues. 
  The  other day  I was  cleaning windows outside  at work and as I started i realised that  there  was a place i missed. as I sprayed more  Windex on  and  scrubbed a little  harder. God spoke  to me he  said."elz sometimes when you  think you are  clean  on the outside you  need  to  go a Little  deeper  on the inside."
  you  know  why  we feel unclean is  from things  we do that  we know are wrong.  to anyone who says  oh it's  easy  just  don't  sin.  you're  wrong we have all fallen short  of the glory of God.  who  am i to judge you.  here's the  thing  each of us  are  ugly inside  what i mean  have  you  ever  lied cheated  stolen,   said  mean things,  used  Gods  name in vein, ( just to clear this up this is not a  pity  party  make you  feel bad about yourself blog) treated  someone less then they way they  ought to be treated. I  have. I have hurt  lied  cheated  judged  etc  you  know  the list goes on for all of us.  all those  things  alone  make us  clean that is the  flesh.  but when you  have the holy spirit living in you.  the   bible  says. as far as the east  is from the from west that's  how far he  has removed our  transgressions from us. so  let's  stop  feeling  sorry for  ourselves and get up  and  give our  uncleanliness to God. i  know that  it hurts  trust me i am here with you  all.  this is not easy  but  if we  are going to move  forward in life  we  must begin to let God  change us  redeem us, find us  where  we are  at. greater  is he that is in us then he that is in the world.  maybe this makes  sense and maybe it doesn't but  its  real stuff.  i  could write  more here  but i think we  will let  this  penetrate us.  let it sink in. we  are  worthy,  we are  valuable we are made new in Christ just have to let him be God and step aside.


Elz
 

Thursday, 19 July 2012

you can run but you can't hide

Reader's
  How are you doing today? here's a  question  we are each asked every day, here is the truth  some ask how you  are cause they  care and others it's a  conversation starter where as  other's  they  just ask  and don't  care to really know!!  you  can spot out  each types usally. today i want to talk about running you'll  see how I  tie "how are you" to running in a moment...
 Ok so have you ever  wanted to  run?  wanted to escape to  paradise you know where  there's no hard times  everything is  ginger  peachy dandy fine. no one knows you so  this means you  don't  actually  have to  tell anyone  whats really going on inside. ok so here's  where  we tie "how are you" into  "running away"
  The past  2 years  I  have  been struggling  figuring out  where  I  best  fit, people tell you  pray about it, and i have  but what  am I to do in the  meantime.  while waiting for this next  best thing I have slowly  hid myself away  on a shelf   hidden  from most people this is where  2 of me  comes in.
  You  may  not understand the  2 of me part. here let me  explain  for a moment.  there is the flesh  which is a cloud of  yukkyness and then there's the holy spirit which  everything good. the  other  day i was  reading Romans 8 and wham  bam thank you mam hit  me hard. like mental slap in the face. ouch!!  here's  how we  relate  "how are you" to this.  when you are living in the flesh. you do things that aren't good trust me it's not fun. check out  what the bible  says.......

 Life Through the Spirit

Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you[a] free from the law of sin and death. For what the law was powerless to do because it was weakened by the flesh,[b] God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh to be a sin offering.[c] And so he condemned sin in the flesh, in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the flesh but according to the Spirit.
Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace. The mind governed by the flesh is hostile to God; it does not submit to God’s law, nor can it do so. Those who are in the realm of the flesh cannot please God.
You, however, are not in the realm of the flesh but are in the realm of the Spirit, if indeed the Spirit of God lives in you. And if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, they do not belong to Christ. 10 But if Christ is in you, then even though your body is subject to death because of sin, the Spirit gives life[d] because of righteousness. 11 And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies because of[e] his Spirit who lives in you.
12 Therefore, brothers and sisters, we have an obligation—but it is not to the flesh, to live according to it. 13 For if you live according to the flesh, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live.
14 For those who are led by the Spirit of God are the children of God. 15 The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to son ship.[f] And by him we cry, “Abba,[g] Father.” 16 The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children. 17 Now if we are children, then we are heirs —heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.
  so next time  someone  asks  you  how you are.know you  don't  have to say  your good. being  real is a sure  way  to  admit  that  life is not perfect...

so how are you doing? i mean how are you  really doing today?

elz

Here in the silence

  Here in the  silence  in the  quickening  air. will the  rain fall and fill the  dry places in my life or will  i live in the  desert place  as God is at work though I  cannot always  feel or  see him I know hes the  sunshine in the  darkness. He's the  rainbow in the  rain.He's the  joy in the  sorrow. he's  the  hope to the  hopeless.
  As  i write  today i  think  that there  is different  kinds of writers the ones  who scream  out there  words and you  hear them loud and  clear then there's  the ones you  can hear the  joy through there words. and you are  instantly strengthened and encouraged.
  Today my  words  are those of a silent person ready for  some  serious  heart  connection i am neither here nor there. 
   Over the past few  months i have  felt extremely  dry  almost cold and numb at times. only  few  bring out the  life in me.  others  well  i like to call them  "kill joy's"  in elz terms  "kill joy's" are the  people in your  life who smother  your  dreams, your joy, your  zeal for life.I have them in my  life i mean i am trying so hard to ignore  them lol, they  are like leache's  they suck the life out of you.  so much so that you are  left  angry  dried up and speechless. they are  the ones you  try to reason with  but  make everything negative and blah.
   they say who you spend the most time with is  who'll you'll become like! who are you surrounding yourself around? it also says in the bible bad company corrupts good character. there are  leaches in all our lives all our circles.  truth is we have all had our share. did you  know the  best way to  get  leaches off you  is  dump salt on them. 
matthew 5:13 You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled underfoot.
14 “You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. 15 Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. 16 In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.


elz

Wednesday, 11 July 2012

(beaver) "Dam It"

Dear Reader's
  How  many of you   say  you are  god  today? but inside you  are  broken, you're  barely making it through the  days,  but you  remain  strong,  you  do this  day in day out and  tell  everyone  even yourself you  are amazing..  let  me  call your  bluff today.
   Last night i had this  dream  that  i was at my parents church,  i walked in and i was  not myself i was sad and  quiet  like there was a heaviness on me.  then out of the blue  there was a lady  who  touched me. I simply  said  please don't  touch me,  but  she  said  something all of  a sudden i got extremely angry.  i ran out of the service in tears.  as i  went outside my mom  said  Elsbeth  darling  are  you  OK  then I completely broke down, No  mom  I am not OK,  i haven't been  for a while. i fell in her arms and  just  cried.  Dad  stood by  and  told me that he  loved me and that he was proud of me i cried even more then i did  with mo thinking if they only knew  what  i have done they  wouldn't  be  proud of me.  then i  woke up  early in the morning  with tears  streaming down my face.
   Do you  pretend as well?  are you  like me?you  have some  serious dam walls up, and sometimes it causes more damage trying to  protect yourself from being hurt again,
 This  morning  I  got a water  bottle ready  to take to work with me. i  put it in the  bag  i thought  the  lid was  tight but NO it  leaked water all  over everything in that bag,  my  phone included.  when i got to work i  put this water bottle in the  freezer part of the fridge and  guess what it  did  it again. inside my bag i had  one of those jose Louis things its  wrapped in a clear package  so you  can see  the  contents  but  when the  water  leaked on it it  caused  the  top layer to  be stuck to the  clear plastic wrap. inside was crumbs and  this  chocolaty  goodness  once solid now  its broken   and all  scattered. all cause  water leaked on the plastic.  this is what  inspired this blog the  blasted water bottle spill.
  truth  is  you  don't  have to have everything all together it's  OK to be broken, its OK to have sad and bad days,but   when we  try  to cover  up how we feel  whats  really real with us  this  is a normal thing i realise this but here's  the  thing  when we act  so strong all the  time  we become  callous  of heart we act lie we don't need anyone  to help us we can do everything on our own, that's   a lie we  need help.  much like the jose Louis when it started out  hard and solid all it  took was a little  moisture   and it  crumbled to pieces. eventually you are going to have to trust someone, eventually you are going to have to let someone in eventually  you are  going to have to let someone love you.
  So let's  go,  let's break the  dam wall. and  stop  hiding  behind our  defence  mechanisms  of  fear and what if they   do  this what if they  say this... you  may be  good  at fooling others  but at the end of the  day you can't  fool yourself. here's the  thing i  totally  where my heart on my sleeve.  but there is things that I  don't even  want  people to know about me  it's  cause i have closed off  people. people Will only get so close to me and  then i  freeze up and  freak out inside  cause  they have  gotten to  close to the  person that  i have hidden from everyone.   it's  like i am in this  dark room and the light is trying to  creep in   yet  i keep shutting the  blinds. and sometimes it only takes one person to open the  blinds,   so that  you can see  light  again, i know  it's  going to hurt, i know it's not going to happen  if you snap your fingers. this  thing  called fear can only  be  broken when you accept  how much God truly  loves you. yes you are  loved. god loves you he  loves every detail of your life. trust him he  wont abandon  you nor  just  say he loves you  then  walk away on you.  when God  tells he loves you he's  saying i love every  part of you inside and out. 
      Dear God, I pray for everyone  who is reading this  i  pray that you  would  soften there  hearts that you  would go deep inside and break down every  wall  every  heavy  chain  and  breathe life into  us again.  Thank you that you love us even when we  don't  deserve it.
 speak to the  depths of our wandering hearts ad please place your hedge of protection upon our thoughts our  words our hearts. keep us  safe wrapped in your  arms of love.
    you  are never  alone... for i know the plans i have for you  declares the Lord plans not to harm you  plans to prosper you to give you a  hope and a future 
                     ~Jeremiah 29:11

Elz

Monday, 9 July 2012

confusion

Reader,

What   is  confusion?  I  believe   confusion comes  when you are not at peace with God you aren't  trusting God. i know  cause  I have this  big ugly cloud that  follows me  filled with  everything that  I am not.  lets  take a look into confusion,  maybe you can think of a time  when you  felt confused in a situation,  in a  circumstance.  How did  you get into a place of confusion?  when did find  yourself overcoming your confusion?
   We  all have  an  area in our  lives!!!   Right  now I struggle  knowing  where  am i going  where  do i best  fit? when will life  turn around for me? maybe this is  for you  and maybe it's  not.  maybe  you  are going through something that  causes alot of  tension,  causes  alot of  inner turmoil. you  know  that you  are  living  2 ways  you  act the way everyone  wants  when you are  around your friends, but  when  it's  just  you  and you're by yourself who are you really?  i know I have made  many  mistakes. i  know what's  right  yet i do the opposite  sometimes and then i have this huge  fight  within myself.  i knock  myself down  cause i  don't trust God I don't always  listen to his words  of life.  my question is this! why  do we let the  enemies  word  bring us down,  destroy us? when we  have a God that speaks  truth over our lives. its  so much easier  to hear  the  lies is  it not? i know that i am not alone in this. what  part of your life  confuses  you?  now  i realise this blog  may  or may not be for everyone.
   God is not the  author of confusion he is the author and  finisher of life. I  would  like to end this blog in the  bible with a couple  scriptures.
http://www.biblegateway.com/ check out  Proverbs 9:1-6 & 1 Corinthians 14:33

   there  is a  song we  just  started  singing at church....  All  consuming  sacrifice  so freely  given  such a price bought  our  redemption  heaven's  gates  fling  wide. there  is power   in the  name of Jesus  there  is  power  in the  name of Jesus  to break  every  chain break  every  chain break  every  chain. 
  where  are you going?   what are you  running from? what are you  afraid of?  who  is  holding you in this confusion?   
       Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. john 14:27

elz

Saturday, 7 July 2012

move it or lose it!

Reader,
  Be  prepared  for what  i might  download is a heavy  one  today. you  know when you are  driving on the  road  you  have to get  somewhere  and that's when you are  stuck  behind  slow  drivers the  summer tractor  drivers.  all you  want to  do is  get around them.  thinking  to  yourself move   get out of the way. I mean you  really  can't  stand this.  the  anger  button goes off and  next thing you  know you are  overtaking  finally  after  this what  seems like forever of waiting. you  pass and its like you  can breathe  again.  as you pass by them  its like  SO  long  sucker.  you  hearing me ha ha.
  OK  so life is  much like this  when something is  urgent,  you  know you  need to get to  this  destination  but...... something keeps you  held back. you  know those  detours  right...  what are some things that  keep us from going where you need  to be? lies, wrong thoughts, disappointments, strongholds,  fear, etc basically attacks from an unseen enemy. Readers  there  is a  enemy  crouching at your  door  trying to  do whatever  it takes to distract you  from  getting to your  destination.
   I know all to  well  what  distractions  look like,  over the  past few months I have  gone through  hard  things.  things that  not many even know about.  i have  gotten past the  worst of it but  still not out of this distraction daze. its a  cloud of yukkiness.  and it  haunts me  with  regrets, with  hurts and pains  i  do not wish upon anyone.  there  is times  you need to just  get out of the way and flee as fast and  as  far as you can. cause  danger is  around the corner.
   If you  aren't  careful and  wise in your decisions you will  be  stuck behind slow moving  traffic never making  a way.  i mean sometimes  you  have to have  wait it out  right  cause   do you  want to  just pass  a tractor  when someone is  coming at you  head on, not likely so even though it  sucks being  behind  sometimes you  have to to  deal with life's  crap.  oh  believe  me its  stinky  yukky  crap  but  if you are always  so rushed  you  don't  take time to  deal with the hard stuff. you  never  really  learn  from  life.

just   think about it!!!!


elz

Tuesday, 3 July 2012

closeness

Dear Reader,
    For the past 2 years there has been moment where I  thought  God has  abandoned me  i  thought where are you God  why aren't  you hear? why  are you so far from me? I got  so caught up in myself and made choices  unpleasing to God.  most people see the  side that i  show but  I am  going to be very real with you.  over  this past year and a half or 2 so many  things have changed in my life. especially lately I have felt so far from God i  didn't think i  could deserve to be loved  by God,  how  could he love this girl.  this me that is so up  so down,  so in the  in between? oh how i  wish i  could sit here and say i have my ducks  all  lined up in a row  but that would be  a lie! I  am a planner one that  knows  what  she  wants and if you  dare mess that  up  watch out.  my  life has been out of  sorts, my worship  so pretentious, my heart  broken  to the  core.  I have been  so lost  for  a while now its  why i struggle with the  very people who know me  most.  who love me the  most.  i  freeze up and and  it's like i  shut down and feel so far  from  everyone  from God  from  people. I keep trying to   change my life  fix myself but  it makes  everything  worse. anyone  else  do this? I  haven't known  a closeness  with  anyone in a long time......

   "Here  I am! I've been  so lost,  but God draws me to his light,  just when  I thought that  I wouldn't make  my way back  God saw me and  called me in"
 He called  me out  by name.  he  loves me  he knows me he  wants me. He  needs me oh how  I  love him so...
    this  message i planned to be more graceful  to be more loving and gentle... cause truth is when we come to a place in our lives where we  have to  depend on God that's when he can  do the most.  but  we have to need God.We have to TRUST God enough with  Everything. He wants to romance us, He  wants to bring us   deeper  in love with him,  but we silly  humans  we think closeness is just  about intimacy  with someone  being "close" is  being touched, being "Close" is being near someone or some place.  Do we even know what it's  like to truly be close with God.
 when we are really closest to God it's when we are  completely  broken, we are  abandoned to one self, we are completely  wrapped in Gods unfailing love and we fall  flat on our face or knees (whatever  sounds less painful) :) when God  shows up even  if we don't  deserve him. point is even though we  don't  see  God He is always  there. even when we don't   feel him he's  there.
  here's  the  one thing  to watch out for...  when we  let the enemy  tell us  we are unwanted and all his lies,  you  know what I'm talking about  cause we all have those  stupid lies get to us.  don't  let those  lies  bring you down, God's  as  real as the wind is you can't  see  the wind  but you  know it's  there.. God is here. He loves you.


elz