going into high school my first day of high school i remember i was sick from being so nervous i was still teased but i tolerated it. i was still so insecure i had this weird mumbling whisper thing i did. i know it sounds funny right. but i honestly didn't think that i had a voice worth speaking to anyone. i masked alot of hurt and pain inside started to suffer depression and got more and more angry i kept getting into fights with mom. i felt life was a constant battle ground. i never really learned like others so i felt stupid compared to everyone. i never saw anything in myself. at the age of 15 i had my first real boyfriend. after a month or 2 i broke up with him that was hard but i knew that we couldn't be together.no point holding onto something that needs to be let go of. i had a few other boyfriends after that nothing that really lasted.in that time i had caused so much strife in the family that dad got angry 1 night he slapped me across the face and told he how he was so close to leaving the family because i made his life a living hell. truth be told i was searching for love and wanted to feel secure in a relationship so i would settle for guys who didn't really mean anything. i know how selfish that must sound. OK again in grade 10 i was sexually assaulted at school i felt like the scum of the earth i got really discouraged and felt ashamed and violated. i couldn't understand why this was happening to me as you can imagine i blamed god and thought he must have stopped loving me for sure.I became so angry and no one understood why. i felt so abandoned and forgotten about.i sunk into a depression deeper then before. I began to eat away my hurt.nothing i did seemed ever good enough i was completely lonely lost and broken and afraid of trusting anyone enough.I was at the lowest point ever. even then i had the courage to say no to sex, drugs, alcohol and smoking for i knew that I had a little sister and i had to lead an example for her and others.
then i switched churches to crossroads community church where i met some very instrumental people in my life. to this day it was Kayla McLaughlin, Vance and Julie dettman that kept me coming back. I was the inconvenienced younger sister at the time to my brother. Aaron didn't want rach or i to be there. i just knew i had to leave my parents church i was tired of feeling so lonely and insecure. tired of being the reject everywhere i went. in high school it became easy to mask even in crossroads at first probably for the first 2 or 3 years i still felt like an outsider.
it was hard to get out of my shell. being i had hid from everyone.I buried myself deep and closed the door to people it was my defense mechanism. I had the hardest time letting anyone in so i wouldn't get hurt again. when i finally let someone close enough i pushed them away.
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