closeness

Dear Reader,
    For the past 2 years there has been moment where I  thought  God has  abandoned me  i  thought where are you God  why aren't  you hear? why  are you so far from me? I got  so caught up in myself and made choices  unpleasing to God.  most people see the  side that i  show but  I am  going to be very real with you.  over  this past year and a half or 2 so many  things have changed in my life. especially lately I have felt so far from God i  didn't think i  could deserve to be loved  by God,  how  could he love this girl.  this me that is so up  so down,  so in the  in between? oh how i  wish i  could sit here and say i have my ducks  all  lined up in a row  but that would be  a lie! I  am a planner one that  knows  what  she  wants and if you  dare mess that  up  watch out.  my  life has been out of  sorts, my worship  so pretentious, my heart  broken  to the  core.  I have been  so lost  for  a while now its  why i struggle with the  very people who know me  most.  who love me the  most.  i  freeze up and and  it's like i  shut down and feel so far  from  everyone  from God  from  people. I keep trying to   change my life  fix myself but  it makes  everything  worse. anyone  else  do this? I  haven't known  a closeness  with  anyone in a long time......

   "Here  I am! I've been  so lost,  but God draws me to his light,  just when  I thought that  I wouldn't make  my way back  God saw me and  called me in"
 He called  me out  by name.  he  loves me  he knows me he  wants me. He  needs me oh how  I  love him so...
    this  message i planned to be more graceful  to be more loving and gentle... cause truth is when we come to a place in our lives where we  have to  depend on God that's when he can  do the most.  but  we have to need God.We have to TRUST God enough with  Everything. He wants to romance us, He  wants to bring us   deeper  in love with him,  but we silly  humans  we think closeness is just  about intimacy  with someone  being "close" is  being touched, being "Close" is being near someone or some place.  Do we even know what it's  like to truly be close with God.
 when we are really closest to God it's when we are  completely  broken, we are  abandoned to one self, we are completely  wrapped in Gods unfailing love and we fall  flat on our face or knees (whatever  sounds less painful) :) when God  shows up even  if we don't  deserve him. point is even though we  don't  see  God He is always  there. even when we don't   feel him he's  there.
  here's  the  one thing  to watch out for...  when we  let the enemy  tell us  we are unwanted and all his lies,  you  know what I'm talking about  cause we all have those  stupid lies get to us.  don't  let those  lies  bring you down, God's  as  real as the wind is you can't  see  the wind  but you  know it's  there.. God is here. He loves you.


elz