(beaver) "Dam It"

Dear Reader's
  How  many of you   say  you are  god  today? but inside you  are  broken, you're  barely making it through the  days,  but you  remain  strong,  you  do this  day in day out and  tell  everyone  even yourself you  are amazing..  let  me  call your  bluff today.
   Last night i had this  dream  that  i was at my parents church,  i walked in and i was  not myself i was sad and  quiet  like there was a heaviness on me.  then out of the blue  there was a lady  who  touched me. I simply  said  please don't  touch me,  but  she  said  something all of  a sudden i got extremely angry.  i ran out of the service in tears.  as i  went outside my mom  said  Elsbeth  darling  are  you  OK  then I completely broke down, No  mom  I am not OK,  i haven't been  for a while. i fell in her arms and  just  cried.  Dad  stood by  and  told me that he  loved me and that he was proud of me i cried even more then i did  with mo thinking if they only knew  what  i have done they  wouldn't  be  proud of me.  then i  woke up  early in the morning  with tears  streaming down my face.
   Do you  pretend as well?  are you  like me?you  have some  serious dam walls up, and sometimes it causes more damage trying to  protect yourself from being hurt again,
 This  morning  I  got a water  bottle ready  to take to work with me. i  put it in the  bag  i thought  the  lid was  tight but NO it  leaked water all  over everything in that bag,  my  phone included.  when i got to work i  put this water bottle in the  freezer part of the fridge and  guess what it  did  it again. inside my bag i had  one of those jose Louis things its  wrapped in a clear package  so you  can see  the  contents  but  when the  water  leaked on it it  caused  the  top layer to  be stuck to the  clear plastic wrap. inside was crumbs and  this  chocolaty  goodness  once solid now  its broken   and all  scattered. all cause  water leaked on the plastic.  this is what  inspired this blog the  blasted water bottle spill.
  truth  is  you  don't  have to have everything all together it's  OK to be broken, its OK to have sad and bad days,but   when we  try  to cover  up how we feel  whats  really real with us  this  is a normal thing i realise this but here's  the  thing  when we act  so strong all the  time  we become  callous  of heart we act lie we don't need anyone  to help us we can do everything on our own, that's   a lie we  need help.  much like the jose Louis when it started out  hard and solid all it  took was a little  moisture   and it  crumbled to pieces. eventually you are going to have to trust someone, eventually you are going to have to let someone in eventually  you are  going to have to let someone love you.
  So let's  go,  let's break the  dam wall. and  stop  hiding  behind our  defence  mechanisms  of  fear and what if they   do  this what if they  say this... you  may be  good  at fooling others  but at the end of the  day you can't  fool yourself. here's the  thing i  totally  where my heart on my sleeve.  but there is things that I  don't even  want  people to know about me  it's  cause i have closed off  people. people Will only get so close to me and  then i  freeze up and  freak out inside  cause  they have  gotten to  close to the  person that  i have hidden from everyone.   it's  like i am in this  dark room and the light is trying to  creep in   yet  i keep shutting the  blinds. and sometimes it only takes one person to open the  blinds,   so that  you can see  light  again, i know  it's  going to hurt, i know it's not going to happen  if you snap your fingers. this  thing  called fear can only  be  broken when you accept  how much God truly  loves you. yes you are  loved. god loves you he  loves every detail of your life. trust him he  wont abandon  you nor  just  say he loves you  then  walk away on you.  when God  tells he loves you he's  saying i love every  part of you inside and out. 
      Dear God, I pray for everyone  who is reading this  i  pray that you  would  soften there  hearts that you  would go deep inside and break down every  wall  every  heavy  chain  and  breathe life into  us again.  Thank you that you love us even when we  don't  deserve it.
 speak to the  depths of our wandering hearts ad please place your hedge of protection upon our thoughts our  words our hearts. keep us  safe wrapped in your  arms of love.
    you  are never  alone... for i know the plans i have for you  declares the Lord plans not to harm you  plans to prosper you to give you a  hope and a future 
                     ~Jeremiah 29:11

Elz